


Free! Me

by hudgens77



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Canon, M/M, Post-Canon, Rin has a heart condition, this is really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 04:25:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3964321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hudgens77/pseuds/hudgens77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Nationals, Rin finds out that he only has two options: to swim or to live. Too bad that for him, they are synonyms. RinHaru, angst. One-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Free! Me

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have much to say, except that this is mostly self-indulgent but I still hope RinHaru fans enjoy it. Please let me know what you think! :)

The crowd goes crazy and gives a standing ovation. The swimmer smiles; an atypical gesture coming from him, just like the situation he's in.

Haruka Nanase just won the gold medal for his country at the Olympic Games.

However, this isn't a story about him. This story is about the young redhead who's miles away, applauding and screaming in his house and unable to hold back the bittersweet tears that run violently down his cheeks.

This story is about Rin Matsuoka.

* * *

"Rin... I found it too."

Australia is the place where it all began. Australia is the place where Haru found his dream. Australia was the first time they ever shared a bed, and Rin had been so nervous about it that he tried to get another room in vain.

But after one night and so many emotions, the two of them feel comfortable in the same bed now. Haru is in a better mood and it's maybe due to the atmosphere of the little vacation, but the second night Rin still has things to confess.

"...People think I'm being too dramatic when I tell them that you saved me, but they don't understand that it wasn't just about quitting swimming," he says, giving his back to Haru.

"Rin," the other male pronounces. He turns. Rin notices and he turns too, so they are face to face now.

Rin shrugs. Even when he talks about a serious subject and a sad time in his life, he doesn't precisely look affected. He's already accepted that episode as a part of who he is.

"I was really depressed and I felt so lonely," he justifies himself. "I even thought that being dead would be easier. But then you showed me my dream back and made me realize the things that actually matter."

Now's Haru's turn to shrug. Even if they look so different, they are more alike than people think; so Haru is able to understand very well what Rin is talking about. Haru isn't precisely a normal person and unlike most people he doesn't get scared or judgmental on taboo subjects like suicide. He sees it like what it is: a part of human nature. 

"I wanted to swim with you again," he expresses. Rin smiles with a bit of irony.

"Have you ever thought about it, Haru?"

After all, Rin knows that Haru was depressed too.

"Yes," he admits calmly. "But you saved me."

"I had to," says Rin. Haru did it first for him, after all.

Haru looks at him intensely. They're so close that a few more centimeters won't matter, will they? He gets closer and Rin blushes but doesn't move. The moment feels so natural and intimate...

Rin closes his eyes and Haru presses his warm lips against Rin's.

Their first kiss.

"No, you didn't have to," he whispers when the kiss ends. It's almost like magic, and Rin's face is on fire. "But you did."

* * *

They awake naked and tangled between the sheets. Rin flushes and jumps out of bed, arguing in a voice louder than necessary that they need to get ready or they will lose the plane. Haru rolls his eyes, yet he pulls him close before they leave the room and kisses him again.

Rin melts in his arms.

* * *

"Did you ever stop and wonder how?" Rin inquires. They've flown for quite some time already, and even when Haru knows what he's talking about, he still questions:

"How what?"

"How to kill yourself," Rin murmurs.

"No," Haru lies.

"Me neither," Rin knows and he lies as well. Haru knows.

"...but if I died, I'd like it to be in the water."

"Drowned, huh?" Rin chuckles without glee. "Yeah, it sounds like you," he pauses and sighs. "I've heard that the people that survived drowning say that when you're about to die, you feel peace."

Haru shifts slightly in his seat.

"That's actually due to the accumulation of carbon dioxide that makes you go unconscious," well, he's learned some things from Rei. "But yes."

"Hm."

"How would you like to die, Rin?" it's Haru's turn to ask, and even if he doesn't like to admit it, he knows that if he doesn't ask he won't be able to sleep.

And speaking of sleep...

"Asleep," Rin responds. "You don't suffer that way."

Death isn't beautiful. Despite what Rin says... someone always suffers. Always.

But it's typical of Rin romanticizing the reality of things. And since it's Rin who says it, Haru almost believes it.

He nods.

"Romantic. Sounds like you."

Everything about Rin is.

* * *

"Can I tell you a secret?"

It's been a few weeks since they started dating, and apparently everyone already knows and they are okay with it. Haru will soon leave to Tokyo with his recruiter and Rin will leave to Australia, but they are willing to make it work.

Haru nods slightly so Rin knows that he's paying attention. Rin notices the gesture and goes on.

"I passed out after Nationals."

Haru looks away from the pool at Iwatobi Swimming Club and stares at Rin with concern.

"What?"

Rin smiles bitterly.

"Yes. It had happened to me before that I felt a little bad after a race or after intense physical efforts, but never to that extent. I never told anyone not to worry them, but it's something I can't hide anymore," he pauses, the knot in his throat gets tighter and he can't speak. He looks at Haru and meets with his eyes full of worry. Rin's eyes gleam. He's about to cry.

"My heart is sick, Haru. Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy," he states. Haru loses his breath. For him, those are a bunch of meaningless words.

"What?" he shakes his head, he doesn't understand. "No, that can't be. It just doesn't make sense. You're young, you have a healthy lifestyle—"

"It's genetic," Rin interrupts. "Dad probably had it too. That means that even if he hadn't died in that accident, he would've died anyway. Isn't it cruel?" he sobs. He sniffs and tries to get a hold of himself. "The doctor told me that it usually doesn't give symptoms, but I trained too hard for Nationals."

"Rin," Haru names. He feels like he can't breathe. "That means..."

When Rin looks at him, his eyes are dead.

"I can't swim anymore."

* * *

When you dedicate yourself to something for a lot of time, there comes a time when it becomes natural to you. For Rin and Haru, that is swimming.

That's why even when Rin says that he can't swim anymore, he does. A few weeks later he leaves like planned and goes on with his life as if never happened. Haru leaves, too. He sometimes meets with Makoto, since they live in the same city. Makoto is really focused on his major.

Rin and Haru don't bring up the subject anymore.

* * *

They meet again after a few months in a competition in Italy. Haru is the first one to see him, for Rin's hair just doesn't go unnoticed. The nerves are on edge, the athletes are getting ready; and despite everything they manage to find a little moment to be alone before they appear in public.

Rin looks normal, looks healthy, looks as attractive as always. And that eases Haru a little bit.

There isn't much to say. They have talked by Skype or by phone when they have the chance; but now that they are face to face words are unnecessary and lips communicate how much they've missed each other in a different way. However, they have little time and soon, it's already time for the competition.

Rin is the first to break the contact, anxious. However, Haru calls him before they leave the locker rooms.

"Rin."

Rin stops.

"What?"

"Marry me."

The words echo in the place and they settle slowly in Rin's mind. He turns to look at him, as if he didn't understand quite well. Haru stares fixedly at him and Rin realizes the seriousness of his proposal. His face turns red and he looks down, unable to say a word when the only thing he's conscious of are the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He shakes his head energetically to put some order to his messy thoughts. He hisses and grimaces, irritated at himself because he's acting like an immature school girl; but that grimace soon turns into a tender smile because it's so much like Haru to be so blunt, so much like Haru to be so inopportune; and it's so much like him that only Haru makes him feel that way.

Haruka keeps still and composed, waiting for an answer. Rin meets with his eyes again. His expression is full of an almost infantile determination.

"Only if you win this race," he challenges.

Haru smiles arrogantly before they go out in front of the spectators waiting with anticipation.

* * *

Lately, competitions happen in a daze, almost like Rin isn't there at all. Except that he is, and even if his perception is altered he knows that he just won because his coach approaches him smiling and hugs him, and even though the world's spinning and the only thing Rin can focus on is breathing, he hugs him back. The crowd goes wild, everyone is staring at him... And then Rin smiles because they are looking at him, they are applauding him, they are cheering because of him. And then he looks for Haruka with his sight and he also smiles in a way Rin has never seen before, eyes bluer than ever and full of an indescribable emotion and tenderness. Rin wants to cry because he made it, they made it and they both will go to the Olympics. If he could run he would run towards him, but he feels like his heart is going to come out if his chest and he can't risk it, he can't let other people know about his condition —not when he's about to make his dream come true.

Yet Haru and he are soulmates and they understand each other without speaking, so Haru it's the one that runs to him and embraces him, and for a minute Rin becomes complete paralyzed because he never imagined that a lonely and gloomy boy like Haru could be so full of love. He hugs him back and closes his eyes. He feels better that way. But they can't stay like that forever and when they break the hug the world moves and Rin feels like he's about to faint.

Haru's gleeful expression clouds. Rin is very pale.

"Rin?" he questions. "Are you okay?"

Rin doesn't get to answer. His coach pulls him away for the award ceremony and Haru's does the same. And suddenly Rin's on the highest level and Haru's next to him, a few centimeters lower. Everything is happening too fast, his life passes by as Rin focuses on breathing and his heartbeat echo loudly in his ears. And suddenly there's something heavy hanging from his neck, something golden. But Rin can't keep his eyesight straight; everything is spinning,  _please make it stop, why is everything moving so fast?_

"RIN!" Haru's voice sounds like it comes from underwater.

There are black dots blocking his vision. He feels weak. His knees bend and Rin falls.

* * *

He wakes up in a colorless room. The walls are white, the bed is white, the light is white and it makes his eyes ache.

"Agh," he complains.

His mother, Gou and his coach are there. There's a doctor talking to them. Rin notices Haru in the hall, wanting to enter but they surely forbade him to.

Gou and his mother cry their heart out. His coach stares at him sadly and the doctor gives him a sympathetic look and tells him what only Haru and he knew and have been hiding. His mom tries to comfort him, but maybe it's her who needs to be comforted. Rin becomes serious, deadly serious; until he finally breaks down crying not because his heart is sick —because he already knew that, even if everyone else didn't— but because now everyone knows his secret, and there's no way they will let him swim ever again.

* * *

Haru will go back to Tokyo, and Rin...

Rin will go back to Iwatobi with his family.

However, they still have a free night after Rin is discharged and before they leave next day morning.

They stay in the same hotel. There's no way they can separate them when they're together, so Mrs. Matsuoka gives up trying to impede they sleep in the same room —after all, his son is sick and she has to take care of him. But Haru loves Rin too and he promises his mother that he won't do anything that could harm him.

And he keeps his promise. Rin is in a bad mood and they don't even talk —they just sleep. Or, in Rin's case, he tries but he can't. So he gets up obscenely late in night and leaves the room carefully not to wake Haru up.

He has something to do.

* * *

Haru wakes up a while later and Rin isn't there. He gets a knot in his stomach and he fears the worst. He knows him so well that it hurts him to think what he's doing.

He's killing himself.

And as expected, he finds him in the hotel's interior pool. No one's there but him and the sight is strangely beautiful and eerie at the same time: everything's dark except for the practically neon color that the water acquires due to the lighting.

Rin's lying against the tiles and the only thing that can be heard is his breathing. He notices when Haru appears there and he glares at him.

Haru glares back.

"Rin, why are you doing this?"

For a moment, the storm in his red eyes is so big and intense that Haru feels like he can't look into them.

"You don't understand!" he yells, upset. "You have everything! You're healthy and a natural. You didn't have to make a huge effort to become an Olympic swimmer, but I..." the lump in his throat forces him to pause for a moment; "I've been working all my life for this, I've put all of me and when my effort is finally recognized... they ask me to give up!"

Haru keeps silence because he knows Rin is right. The redhead snorts and shakes his head, smiling with no glee.

"I won't give up," he affirms. "Haru, since I was little swimming is the only world I knew. I can't leave it. Besides, people know me for this. If I quit nothing will define me anymore. I'll be a nobody."

And that's one of Rin's worst fears: being ordinary.

"That's not true," Haru replies as soon as Rin says those words. "Whether you swim or not, you'll still be Rin."

Rin shakes his head. When he speaks again, he sounds like someone has died.

"If I quit swimming, we won't be able to race again."

"It doesn't matter."

Rin sighs. Haru doesn't understand.

Quitting swimming is like giving up to him. And giving up is like dying.

"I know you won't hate me if I quit swimming. Neither you, nor Gou, nor Makoto, Rei, Nagisa and the others. But I will."

Haru understands that Rin can't be at peace with himself. But...

"Rin. Please," he begs. "I'd rather keep you alive."

Rin smiles bitterly. Asking him to quit swimming is like catching a fish and make it breathe air. It's almost as unnatural as asking him to stop loving Haruka.

"That's the point, Haru. If I quit swimming, I die anyway."

* * *

Haru says nothing about what happened the night before.

In the morning, the lovers say goodbye at the airport. Needless to say, Rin is breaking in front of him and Haru hugs him with all his strength.

"We could trade, you know," he whispers in his ear. Rin blinks, astonished, as Haru places a hand in his chest so he knows what he means.

He doesn't like seeing Rin like that and he's willing to sacrifice himself for him.

Rin snorts incredulously. Haru doesn't really get what he's talking about. Quitting swimming is way too cruel for him and he wouldn't allow Haru to go through the same torture.

"Don't be foolish. You couldn't quit swimming even if they made you," he mocks humorlessly.

Haru shrugs uncomfortably. He doesn't know what else to say to motivate him.

"We'll get married soon anyway," he reminds him; "so stay healthy."

Rin blushes deeply.

"Idiot."

Haru kisses him and Rin let himself go with it.

"I love you," Haru says goodbye when they break the kiss.

"I love you too," Rin replies. His mom and Gou are waiting for him, so he has to go... even if he doesn't want to. He feels Haru's eyes on him when he turns around, and just before he's about to go he looks back for the last time.

"Haru... Follow your dream."

_Don't let me stop you._

* * *

The Olympic Games are a few months later.

Haru wins the gold medal and Rin watches him on television.

* * *

When Haru gets back home, the atmosphere is festive. The simple fact that his parents are there is almost a miracle, and not only that: the whole family is. Makoto is there, too. He's come from Tokyo. There are Rei and Nagisa. There's Gou, and teacher Amakata, and coach Sasabe... there're the guys from Samezuka, there's Sousuke.

There's Rin.

It's nice to see them all together there, and for a minute it almost feels like the old times. Almost.

Rin smiles and hugs him. Haru closes his eyes and focuses on the touch, for he's missed him so much. The competitions are not the same if he's not there. He wants to kiss him, to stay by his side. But then Rin breaks the hug and Haru can see that, even if he's actually happy for him, he's hurting. Deep inside him, he's resentful.

But now is not the time to talk about that. Everyone's there and they want to hear about Haru, just as Haru wants to hear about them. Rin goes to the corner to see and listen to everyone telling little pieces of their lives and he simpers in pain because everyone keeps moving except for him. Sousuke realizes this and Haru feels jealous when he goes to talk to Rin, but every time he tries to interfere someone else intercepts him. So they spend the night glancing at but not talking to each other. Until finally the soiree ends and no one can impede Haru when he approaches Rin because he loves him and he misses him, not even Sousuke.

They walk down the street. Iwatobi is still a small and calm city. Rin intertwines his fingers in the back of his head and sighs. Haru asks him how he's been.

"Good," he answers. "I don't know what I want to major in yet, tho."

"You'll find it soon. I know."

"Thanks."

There's not much to talk about. At least until Rin suddenly says:

"Haru?"

"Yeah?"

Rin smiles. Haru is sick of that smile. It's not his.

Rin's eyes get watery. He halts.

"I'm really proud of you."

Haru halts too and blinks. He doesn't know what to say so he uses another method. He approaches Rin and places his lips on his in a soft and tender gesture. Rin's stomach turns and he feels like he's going to die because Haru is so cute and perfect and there's no one else that has the power to make him feel so bad and so good at the same time. And since it's Haru, he doesn't have enough by being irritatingly sweet. He has to add something more.

"I missed you."

"I... missed you too," Rin confesses. His face is on fire. "A lot."

Haru smiles. Their fingers intertwine.

At least for that night, they are okay.

* * *

...but of course, it's not enough for Rin.

"I miss swimming," is the first thing he says after a make out session in Haru's room that night, since they can't make love.

Haru hides his face behind the palms of his hands and growls.

"Rin, don't..."

"You don't understand because you can."

The resentment behind his words hurts Haru.

"It's not my fault you're sick!"

"It's not mine either!" Rin bursts out as he stands up. He's out of it. "It's not my fault dad died, it's not my fault being sick, it's not my fault not being able to make my dream come true and it's not my fault to miss you so damn much and to have you so far away from me and not being able to swim with you!"

Rin's crying again and Haru feels like a thousand needles sank into his heart. He stands up and kisses him, he can't stand to see him so sad. Rin kisses him back vehemently, but he won't give up.

"Swim with me," he says between breaths.

"No."

They kiss, they bite, they suck at each other's lips.

"Why not?"

Haru is turned on, but he will stay firm.

"You can die if we do it."

"I'm dying already."

"No," Haru refuses a little too loud for his usual tone, as if the simple thought is too much for him. He takes Rin's crying face between his hands and wipes away his tears as their foreheads touch. "You're alive."

"Swim with me," Rin insists.

"Is this what you really want?" Haru inquires rhetorically. Rin's lips wobble and he breaks down sobbing, resting his head on Haru's shoulders. Haru strokes his hair, whispering sweet things to calm him down. And suddenly Rin says something that paralyzes Haru and makes his breath get stuck in his throat for a moment, and he realizes everything he's done wrong and how much Rin has suffered.

He moves away, decided. Rin gives him a confused stare.

"Haru?"

"Let's swim."

Rin's face brightens up in a way Haru had only seen the first time they confessed their mutual feelings for each other.

Haru never thought that letting go of the person you love the must could hurt so bad.

* * *

Iwatobi Swimming Club is empty, as expected at that hour in the night.

"Ready?" Rin inquires like a kid who's about to open his Christmas gifts. Haru nods and takes his position. "Oh, and don't have mercy. I'll notice. It's all or nothing."

"I know," Haru replies.

_Forgive me, Mrs. Matsuoka..._

"Good," Rin answers.

_Forgive me, Gou._

"Rin, wait," says Haru before they start.

_I'm sorry, Sousuke._

"What is it?"

_I'm sorry, Rin's friends._

"I love you," he confesses simply and honestly. Rin's face turns red, he's adorable...

"I love you too," he answers. It doesn't seem like he grasps the gravity of the matter or he just pretends not to, but his feelings are sincere. "Now, let's do this."

"Yeah."

"Ready, set... Go!"

_Forgive me, Mr. Matsuoka. You'll probably see your son soon._

Haru swims. He swims with all his might. He won't lose. He feels Rin swimming, feels him give everything he has and notices how he still has the same energy and capacity. He must've gone to the Olympic Games and won the gold medal. And even though he knows he's being terribly selfish, Haru can't help feeling joyful at that moment. Rin's swimming next to him again, his eternal rival. There will never be someone like him.

Rin had forgotten how he felt when he swam. For a minute he's free. For a minute the only thing that matters is that brief moment when he has to give it all. And even if his heart throbs in his ears and breathing gets harder, Rin keeps going. He feels like his heart is going to explode and he's going to die that instant, but instead of stopping, he tries harder. He has to win. He has to win! Haru is next to him, they're tying, is that everything he can give?!  _No, I can give more_ , Rin convinces himself. He touches the wall and comes out of the water, taking a big breath.

Haru touches the wall just a second after.

They're both panting, but Rin's breath is exaggeratedly loud. But even if there isn't enough air in the atmosphere, Rin's conscious of something.

"I won," he affirms tiredly. A big smile crosses his face, not like the smiles during dinner, no: this one is real.

Rin is purely and utterly happy.

"I won!" he repeats, screaming now. "I beat the Olympic Swimming Champion! I'M THE OLYMPIC CHAMPION!"

Rin throws his arms up in the air and his face gets even wetter due to the streams running down his cheeks. He's dizzy but it was worth it. He places his hands on Haru's shoulders and hugs him, closing his eyes to focus on his breathing.

Haru hugs him back and smiles, caressing his back. One or two tears betray him —he's happy because Rin is, but he's afraid to lose him at any moment.

"Yes, Rin," he murmurs tenderly. "You are."

They stay like that for a little longer, and as more time goes by Haru's happiness dissipates and the concern grows in his stomach. But Rin is still breathing and his heart keeps beating.

"How are you feeling?" Haru asks. Rin breaks the hug and lies against the tiles. His eyes are a bit swollen but he looks serene.

"Happy," he answers, even though he knows that's not what Haru means. However, that answer will do for now.

Haru nods, showing a hint of a smile. Rin closes his eyes as he kisses him.

"Let's go home," Haru says when they break the kiss.

* * *

Haru is so afraid to lose Rin that he doesn't let him sleep for the rest of the night despite how tired he is. Yet nothing happens: Rin's fine, he's conscious and lucid. It's a miracle. They stay in bed, talking and kissing until noon. Haru doesn't want to leave him alone, but they are human and they have needs. They're both hungry. Rin insists that he's fine, that he feels wonderful. "Actually, I should shower," he says.

Haru's insecure about it, but Rin ends up convincing him. He accepts reticently and promises cooking won't take long. Rin promises the same about showering.

Haru lends him clothes so he can wear later. Rin accepts it and with a last kiss, Haru goes downstairs and cooks some mackerel while Rin showers. Makoto visits and finds Haru cooking. He smiles: a lot of people wouldn't notice, but he realizes Haru is happy.

He offers to help and Haru refuses, so Makoto just watches him and talks. At least until a thud interrupts their conversation and Haru almost drops the frying pan.

"Rin?"

There's no answer.

"RIN!"

Haru runs. Makoto follows him, he's never seen Haru so worried. Haru slams the door open and pulls the shower curtain so strong that he almost tears it off.

The shower is still open, and Rin has collapsed in the floor.

* * *

Makoto and Haru take Rin to the Emergency Room, but every attempt to revive him is in vain.

* * *

Haru never thought Rin had so many friends. Thinking about it though, it makes sense.

Everything about Rin is passion and intensity: starting from his vibrant hair, the sparkle in his eyes, the shape of his teeth. His way of speaking, his personality. There's nothing about Rin that doesn't stand out. He's one of those people who are magnetic by nature.

Rin will never be ordinary.

And Haru can't talk or think of him in past tense, because it feels like letting him go.

* * *

"At least he died happily," Makoto murmurs when Rin is buried. Haru cries in silence and mentally thanks for having at least one person who supports him while the Matsuokas glare at him.

Rin rests underground with two medals around his neck, exactly next to his father.

* * *

Months go by. The wound doesn't heal, but little by little Haru gets used to living with it.

_Or more like, to living without him._

It's not until a year later when he starts swimming again.

* * *

He and Makoto throw rocks at the pier during sunset. The next day Haru will travel to London to compete and Makoto will go back to Tokyo.

The waves fill their silence. During moments like those is when Haru can't help thinking about Rin and remember the nights by his side, the sunsets in other countries, his competitive smirk.

And Haru smiles.

"You know," Makoto speaks like he can read his thoughts, staring at the sea. "I bet that, wherever he is now, Rin's very proud of you for swimming again."

"Yeah," Haru answers. "I hope so."

He throws one last rock. Spring will come soon and the cherry blossoms will begin to bloom.

Rin is everywhere.

* * *

The Matsuokas may hate him now, Gou may have sworn that she will never forgive him; but Haru is at peace with himself. And when he feels remorseful every once in a while, he remembers the last words that Rin whispered that last night, the ones that reminded Haru the reason he swam for.

_"I want to be free."_

Haru did the right thing.

Haru set him free.


End file.
